Oh religion, how you trouble me so...

So I've been in quite a pickle lately. It's like God has been blatantly trying to send me a sign. Ever since I got back from Austin and didn't go to church with my family (they played the guilt card afterward too), I've been involved in multiple religious conversations, come to Jesus moments and the one that struck me most... finishing a book about a born-again Christian.

Speaking of the book, "Redeeming Love," it was awesome. Francine Rivers did a fantastic job! In a nutshell, it's about a child sold who was sold into prostitution when she was 8 years old and when she grows up, she distrusts men in every way and thinks that they are all the "same." When a strong-willed Christian man comes into her life, gets her out of the brothel, marries her, she still doesn't trust him. She runs away multiple times and this wonderful man comes and brings her back. In the end, she ends up finding God and living a very fulfilling life. That was totally a watered down synopsis. Go read it. It was so intriguing.

Anyway, back to my religion dilemma. Let me be very clear: I love God and I love Jesus. There is no question in that.

Now, with that said, I'm not much of a church person. Some of my previous church experiences have been where the pastor gives his sermon and tells you what to believe, or the sermon is too focused on the material things in life -- both of which I don't find at all heartwarming. More importantly, I want to go to a church that I feel comfortable in without changing who I am and where I feel like I will be accepted as is -- even if I choose to show up in my pajamas (which I wouldn't, obviously). I'm also not the kind that takes the Bible word-for-word and literally to the "T."

But I digress. The urge to go back to church has been nagging at me for a couple weeks now, and I admit, I have straight out lied to my parents when I told them I was looking for a church. I admit, I haven't been (recently). I haven't been interested. I was considering it a little while ago, but then I became bored with the idea... so yeah, it's been awhile. But now, I am interested, but I don't know where to begin. I feel like my views on Christianity, religion and spirituality have evolved over the past few years. I'm no longer concerned with the view of Christianity I grew up learning about. I am now old enough to make my own decisions, make my own judgments and determine what is best for me. First, the idea that there are so many denominations to choose from is annoyingly absurd. On paper, I am a Methodist and don't get me wrong, of all the others I have experienced, I definitely prefer Methodism. However, I'm not sure if now, I'll be content with that.

And as some know, my boyfriend is Agnostic. His mother is Atheist and his dad and stepmother are Methodist... so he's gotten both sides of it. Oh, and his extended family took him to a strict Southern Baptist church when he was little. So needless to say, it's been interesting for him. Now, I'm not one to force religion upon the boy. He knows I'm a Christian and that I believe in God. I don't push him, he doesn't push me. It's nice like that. But don't get me wrong, we've had multiple religious discussions. They have been deep, profound and thorough.

Just recently, when he and I were talking about religion and I expressed my yearning to go back to church but didn't want to go alone, he actually offered to go with me -- as long as I didn't pick somewhere crazy radical and conservative. We both talked about looking for a non-denominational or Unitarian church. I've done some research and honestly, I was a little hesitant at first -- not with the non-denominational church though. I've been to non-denominational churches and they have been just fine. But I've never been to a Unitarian church... and to be fair, Unitarian Universalism isn't technically a part of Christianity. Granted, some of its purposes and principles come straight from Christian texts, but to me, it's still not the same. I struggled with this for a few days. I sat long and hard and really thought about it.

But then it came to me.

I've always said that I hate when people defend what they believe by saying, "Well, that's how I was raised." Frankly, that's terrible reasoning. I agree that how you are raised gives you a solid foundation, but when you reach a certain age, you should make that distinction for yourself. If you believe in God and believe in Christianity, then be able to tell me why you don't follow the Hindu beliefs or the Buddhists beliefs.

Furthermore, I think this Unitarian experience will be good for me. I admit, I'm stubborn and I tend to stick to my ways, but I'm going to stay open-minded. Unitarians welcome people of all faiths and of all backgrounds. In their Sunday School classes, they teach children about all different kinds of religions so that they will have a more well-rounded perspective.

I am firm in my beliefs in God and I want that to stay that way. But I need to be able to explore new things on my own. With God's strength and my faith, I think that this is a journey he wants me to take. While yeah, it may be straying or a little bit out of the ordinary, I really want to find myself again. I'm looking for that spark to come back into my life.

And now, I leave you with this:

“No testing has overtaken you that is not common to everyone. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tested beyond your strength, but with the testing he will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it." – 1 Corinthians 10:13 (NSRV)

Cruisn' in the Caribbean

I just realized that I never posted anything from my cruise!! Drew and I had a fabulous time. It was definitely a much needed week-long vacation.

We began our trip in New Orleans. The day after the Rose Bowl, we made the nine-hour trip to Louisiana where we stayed a block from Bourbon Street. However, because of the Sugar Bowl, there were a TON of Arkansas and Ohio State fans. Of course, they were all being obnoxious. Anyway, Drew and I walked up and down Bourbon Street, which smells like lots of beer, and ended up at a restaurant called Oceana Grill. Our goal was to experience real Louisiana cajun food... and that's exactly what we got. The red beans and rice were AWESOME. I don't care how unhealthy they actually are for you. They were delicious and I could eat a full of pot of them every day.

After dinner, we walked down to Jackson Square, which surprisingly looks a little creepier and eerier at night than I remember it being. Anyway, it was nice being in a place that I've been so familiar with. I think that's the fifth time I've been to New Orleans. Something like that. Because we were mainly in the French Quarter, I didn't see any signs of the post-Katrina construction.

On Monday, we got up early to get to the port as early as possible. I hate waiting in long lines and crowds of people sometimes make me feel claustrophobic. Also, I have little patience for crazy antics and inefficiency. To my surprise, the lines moved fast, we got checked in quickly and we were on the boat within an hour.

Here's my view of New Orleans from the boat!

Our first day was spent at sea. It was so peaceful and relaxing. I really needed this time off of work. I enjoyed being in the middle of nowhere, no e-mails, no phone calls, no constant text messages. Drew and I spent time out on the docks, watching the sea, reading and being in complete tranquility!

Our first port of call was Progreso, off the Yucatan peninsula (not to be confused with the city of Progreso that's literally right on the Texas-Mexico border). We decided to visit a set of Mayan Ruins and this was our one excursion we chose to do. The ruins were fantastic, as always -- minus the obnoxiously annoying American tourists and their lack of respect for other cultures (I swear it was like some of these people had never taken a history class in their lives.) Drew was fascinated.

We also got to visit one the natural water springs. The spring was originally used by the Mayans as way to heal other people. All us tourists had the opportunity to go swimming... which I doubt is how the Mayans thought their sacred spring was going to be used for, ha!

We finished up at the ruins, I bought a handmade dress -- it's lovely and PURPLE! Our next port of call was in Cozumel, known for cruise stops and tourism. Although, it's interesting. There's "touristy" Cozumel and then "real" Cozumel. There's a pretty significant difference, even in just the atmosphere.

Fun side note: Kevin Carfa was also on a Carnival cruise that went to the same ports as Drew and I. We were just on different boats!

Drew and I didn't do much in Cozumel. We toured the "touristy" part of it and ate at a legit Mexican restaurant! It was a nice time.

Our next day was spent at sea and I was so sad that it was our last day on board! Our waiters in the dining room were awesome. They made us laugh and were great servers. Henry was from the Philippines and the other guy (whose name I can't spell or pronounce) was from Indonesia. Ah, I miss them.

Everything on the ship was great too. There's something to be said about the luxurious, grandeur atmosphere that cruise ship has to offer. I'm already looking forward to my next cruise. The Cruise Director, who was also the host for all of the shows, was hilarious. The adult comedy shows were hilarious and the marriage show was awkward but awesome.

Here are a few other photos of Drew and I from our trip!

And of course, the infamous towel animals! We had a zoo by the end of the week. It's one of my favorite parts about the cruises.

All in all, it was a great week! I was so sad to see it end. Our group of friends are already trying to figure out if we can all go get together to go on a cruise next year! We all know it would be a good time. :)

Day 28 – Something that you miss?

I miss my college days. Having the luxury of picking my own class schedule, which would ultimately decide when I would have to wake up in the mornings. I miss having free time, all the organizations I was a part of and all of the people.

Not to say that "grown up" life sucks because it doesn't. It's just different and definitely takes some time to getting used to. You don't realize how much your life changes until probably a month or so after graduation. It's a definite change and it's like starting a new chapter of your life.

How many lifetimes have you lived?

So I'm already three-fourths of the way through my next book called "Many Lives, Many Masters." Now, I've never been a believer in reincarnation -- my religion doesn't accept it and I've never really accepted it myself. However, both Mark and Drew encouraged me to read this book. It's a short non-fiction by Brian L. Weiss, M.D.

Weiss is a psychiatrist who is trying to treat Catherine, one of his patients who has a ton of fears, phobias and anxiety issues. Catherine fears water, death, darkness, being enclosed in a room/claustrophobia, constant nightmares, hours of insomnia, etc. First, Weiss tries normal therapy techniques that usually cure these types of fears. But unfortunately, Catherine still suffers and is not making any progress, and some of her symptoms begin to get worse.

Weiss knows he needs to try something else, something out of the box because conventional techniques aren't working. He then tries hypnosis. What he finds when Catherine is in a trance, is that she goes back to previous lifetimes that she's lived. In all, she's had 86 lifetimes. Even when she's in a trance, she goes to a different realm in-between lifetimes... kind of like Limbo. In each lifetime, she's a different person, sometimes a man, sometimes a woman, sometimes a child. Each lifetime brings a different set of challenges. She takes away knowledge from each lifetime that will help her in future lifetimes. After Weiss goes through multiple hypnosis sessions with her, he finds that Catherine makes rapid progress and many of her fears disappear.

Catherine also finds that some of the people who are in her present lifetime have also been in previous lifetimes with her. But, like Catherine, these people have different names and characteristics in the past.

It's really very interesting. It almost makes me want to go into a hypnotic trance and see how many lifetimes I've supposedly lived, what I've learned, if some of the people I'm with have been with me in the past, etc.

Like I said, I've never really accepted the theory of reincarnation. But this book really makes you think. It's weird, unique and puts life in a different perspective. I still have another 30 pages or so to read, but I find this whole idea of living multiple lifetimes and taking different learnings from each lifetime intriguing.

I feel like if I accepted this theory, I would be more at ease with my fear of death. The cliché has always been "You only have one life to live." But if you believe in reincarnation, this isn't your only lifetime. You'll have another. You'll be able to live another life and have a "second chance," if you will. How nice would that be? You could have the chance to go through life again as a different individual, meeting different people and growing in a different way.

I find that these thoughts tend to dissipate and scatter. I'm still not entirely convinced, but when it's all said and done, the facts are all out there. They are hard to ignore.

Day 27 – Your favorite place?

My favorite place is New York City. Love it! I used to live in upstate New York and used to visit the city often to visit family. It never gets old. It's been a year and a half since I last went and I already want to go back!

But one of my favorite places in the city is the Ferrara Bakery & Café in Little Italy. Their gelato is AWESOME. I try to go there every time. It never gets old!

Sarah's Key ... more than a novel

So a couple days ago, my cousin, Heather, posted a book on Facebook and said she recommended it to everyone. This was a historical novel called "Sarah's Key." I usually don't have time to read, but I looked this one up and Amazon and I immediately fell in love with the story.

In case you don't know, I have always been extremely interested in World War II, specifically the deeper events that took place besides the war itself (e.g. the Holocaust). I've always been intrigued with the stories of the survivors, their will and hope to persevere and learning about the horrific acts the Nazi Party carried out. Stories like those really bring you back to reality. And for those who are ignorant, the Holocaust was much more than just the genocide of millions of Jews. It goes much deeper than that. I encourage you to keep an open mind and learn.

Anyway, back to "Sarah's Key." I'll take the summary on Amazon from Publisher's Weekly.

Tatiana De Rosnay's U.S. debut fictionalizes the 1942 Paris roundups and deportations, in which thousands of Jewish families were arrested, held at the Vélodrome d'Hiver outside the city, then transported to Auschwitz. Forty-five-year-old Julia Jarmond, American by birth, moved to Paris when she was 20 and is married to the arrogant, unfaithful Bertrand Tézac, with whom she has an 11-year-old daughter. Julia writes for an American magazine and her editor assigns her to cover the 60th anniversary of the Vél' d'Hiv' roundups. Julia soon learns that the apartment she and Bertrand plan to move into was acquired by Bertrand's family when its Jewish occupants were dispossessed and deported 60 years before. She resolves to find out what happened to the former occupants: Wladyslaw and Rywka Starzynski, parents of 10-year-old Sarah and four-year-old Michel. The more Julia discovers—especially about Sarah, the only member of the Starzynski family to survive—the more she uncovers about Bertrand's family, about France and, finally, herself. Already translated into 15 languages, the novel is De Rosnay's 10th (but her first written in English, her first language). It beautifully conveys Julia's conflicting loyalties, and makes Sarah's trials so riveting, her innocence so absorbing, that the book is hard to put down.

The novel was moving, heart wrenching, heart breaking, emotional, haunting. In general structure, the novel is essentially telling two stories: the past and present. It's to no one's surprise that they end up overlapping. Because there are essentially two stories being told, the novel goes back and forth from chapter to chapter between the two. The author even uses a subtle font difference to distinguish if you're reading the past or the present.

This is a memorial in Paris honoring the victims of Vel' d'Hiv'.
Before reading this book, I had no idea what the Vélodrome d'Hiver (or Vel' d'Hiv') was. It was obviously French, but what was its significance? "Vel' d'Hiv'" was code for "Operation Spring Breeze" (Opération Vent printanier). Sounds nice, right? First and foremost, the Vélodrome d'Hiver was a stadium in Paris. Among other things, the stadium was used for cycle racing. But the Vel' d'Hiv' roundup was an entirely different thing all together.

More than 13,000 French Jews (as well as other foreign Jews) were taken from their homes by nearly 10,000 French policemen on July 16, 1942. That's right. They weren't even taken by the Nazi police. Anyway, these Jewish families -- fathers, mothers, babies, toddlers, grandparents alike -- were arrested and taken to the Vélodrome d'Hiver where they stayed for eight days with no bathrooms, little food and little water. During that time, many died of starvation and others committed suicide. There was no way out. Those who survived were taken to internment camps (e.g. Drancy and Beaune La Rolande) in local areas around France, and then they were eventually sent to Auschwitz, a famous death camp during the Holocaust.

"Sarah's Key," while a historical fictional novel, focuses on the events of Vel' d'Hiv' and on the Starzynski family. You don't learn a lot about the family's history before Vel' d'Hiv', but you do learn about a little girl's story. Her story is painful, heartbreaking -- but also memorable and inspiring. Tatiana De Rosnay does a wonderful job at portraying the little girl's innocence and how she has no choice but to grow up at a very young age. In essence, she misses out on a large chunk of her childhood.

I know, I only touched on part of the story. Obviously, Julia Jarmond is also a big main character -- possibly even moreso than the little girl, at times. This book will make you think, tug at your heart strings and maybe even make you cry. I encourage you read this and I guarantee it, you won't be able to put it down.

Day 26 – Your fears

Like many others, I fear loneliness. I also hate bugs, specifically roaches and spiders. Eww. Gross. Not my thing.

I'm pretty sure I'm one of 95% of girls who fear loneliness. Not original, I know.

Black Sawn...

So, I saw Black Swan last weekend and it was... interesting. I really had no expectations for the movie and the only things I knew about it were: 1) It was nominated for multiple awards, 2) Natalie Portman was a beast of an actress, 3) It had something to do with ballet and 4) There was some epic lesbian scene.

All awkwardness and creepiness aside, the movie was good. Natalie Portman did a fantastic job -- hence why she won a Golden Globe and SAG award. (Fun fact: Did you know she graduated from Harvard with a degree in psychology? Intelligence is hott.) But to be honest, no matter how much you prepare for it, the lesbian scene will catch you off guard and there's no getting around it, it was so awkward. I mean, sure, it was hott (Mila Kunis is gorgeous), but it was creepy.

Having done ballet for a number of years, it was weird to watch the rise and fall of a ballerina with tons of talent who unfortunately got conquered by her mental illness. I liked how the directors of the movie tied in the "Swan Lake" theme literally and metaphorically. It added a whole different level of depth to the film.

I still haven't decided if I really enjoyed "Black Swan," but it was definitely memorable. I was naturally impressed with Natalie Portman's ballet technique... she rehearsed five to eight hours every day for six months. That's intense. She also lost 20 pounds. But I guess to make it realistic, she had to look like as thin as a toothpick.

The creepy aspect of "Black Swan" was that it really makes you think. By the end of the movie, you obviously know that Natalie Portman's character, Nina, has suffered from major hallucinations and schizophrenia. But the real question is, what parts of the movie actually happened and which parts were solely figments of her imagination? Some were obvious, but others, not so much.

It's also a little frightening to think that in reality, real people suffer from such mental illnesses every day. I cannot imagine going through life in fear, not knowing if the people I was talking to were actually real or if events actually took place. That's not a stable way to live life and I have sympathy for those who suffer from those kinds of illnesses.

Day 25 – A first

First time I read Harry Potter -- freshman or sophomore year of college. Yeah, I originally thought it was dumb when I read the first couple of chapters of the first book.

BUT, now I'm a Harry Potter lover. I can't wait for the final movie to come out this summer. OMG! :)

Finding inspiration again

I've realized that this blog has kind of lost its purpose. My original intention was to post my daily findings, get my thoughts out on paper, etc. I used to keep a physical journal every day (I should probably burn some of them lol) and I thought that with the advancement of technology, I'd be able to put my journal into Web form.

My next goal is to try to get this thing back to what it was originally intended to be. I'll start this week.

On an entirely different note, OMG. The LAST and FINAL episode of Ace of Cakes will be this week. Sad, sad day. I really enjoyed that series. Although, I'm pretty sure Charm City Cakes will be set for life.

Day 24 – Something that makes you cry

Obviously hurting other people. Just recently, Drew and I got into a tiff and seeing the pain in his face was just downright heartbreaking. I'm not a crier, but that day, I was. It was just so sad! Good thing I don't plan on breaking up with him anytime soon lol. ;)

Yes, I know, that was totally a cliché answer.

Day 23 – Something that makes you feel better?

I'm determined to finish this ridiculous 30-day challenge. (Can you believe I almost spelled "ridiculous" as "rediculous"? Sad day.)

Something that makes me feel better: music. More recently, I've gotten into Kelly Sweet's soothing jazz music. She's got a Norah Jones kind of feel to her. I'm a fan. I recommend her song "Raincoat."